Kids, you think your dad’s weird now? Wait for his dad to die. And you don’t want to kill your dad’s dad because then your dad gets all weird. You don’t want to kill your mom’s mom, too special of a relationship. Look, God damn it! I’m not saying you pray to kill one of the important ones. Is this too many? I’m… I am… I don’t know, I’m asking. Also, you were a little kid, so you probably still had, like, four grandparents. If you did, don’t feel too bad, okay? Yes, it’s a super dark memory. And I know you did because you started laughing from the very beginning of the joke. “Please kill one of my grandparents so I can get attention too.” I did. You just jumped the line.ĭid you ever look at how much attention that dead-grandparent kid was getting? And did you ever, like me… And let’s even forget that the beanbag is there to teach us patience. You sit there.” Forget the fact that there’s a laminated construction paper list of whose day it is to sit in the beanbag chair, and we’ve all been patient waiting for our day. He’d be like, “Can I sit in the beanbag chair during reading time?” We’re like, “Of course, you poor fuck. You know, the teacher would be like, “Aaron’s grandpa passed away,” and he’d be like… “That’s right.” And they would get, like, so much attention. I really… I mean, I don’t know if you guys ever had this feeling, but do you remember when you were in elementary school, grammar school, and a kid in your class would come to school one day and you’d find out their grandparent had died. “I’m never gonna get justice for my mother.” I always wanted attention in school, like to a sick degree. He was wearing a white shirt, the wind was blowing, and he goes… “This lady is a great lady.” And I was sitting at home like, “Oh, my God.” “This goes all the way to the top.” In ’86 that summer on the Fourth of July, Reagan was president then, and he gave a speech in front of the Statue of Liberty. And to compound the stress that I was under, when I was three years old, I thought that Miss America was the Statue of Liberty.Īnd that summer was 1986. So don’t ask her if it’s true unless you want to upset her.” And they said, “If you ask our dad about it, he’ll say that we’re lying.” “But he’s lying.” They said, “If you ask our mom about it, she’ll get really upset. And that my real mother had been murdered… …by Miss America. When I was three years old, they pulled me aside and they told me that I was adopted. I have an older brother and an older sister. When I was a little kid, I didn’t get enough attention. And I’ve realized that I’ll be fine as long as I get constant attention. The past couple years, I’ve done a lot of work on myself.
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